L.A. Stories

Jammin’ with the
L.A. Derby Dolls

words by Mz. Moxy
photo by Robert Todd Williamson

What is it about women on the verge of bloodshed that makes your average American man foam at the mouth with anticipation? If you’ve made it to any of the sold-out Derby Dolls shows, you know that towering women on wheels combined with violence in the roller rink is one smokin’ hot commodity. “The Dollhouse”, located almost downtown, was the scene for last month’s bout between THE SIRENS and THE FIGHT CREW.
Contrary to what I previously believed, roller derby is not an alternate incarnation of the WWE.  Even though these ladies camp it up with flashy names, the bruises are painfully real. Derby gal “Rider Hard” has a permanent wheel mark on her right arm and sports a Frankenstein-like scar on her left wrist from recent corrective surgery. Also to my surprise, there is a point and penalty system that moderates the seemingly random (and always entertaining) knockdown drag-outs on the track.

ROLLER DERBY 101

• Each team has five members on the track.
• Each game has two halves, lasting 15 minutes each.
• Each half consists of “jams”, periods of time when points can be scored.
• On each team, there is one skater who is the “jammer”. After the jammer passes the opposing team once, she is ‘ready to score.’ The next time she laps the opposing team, she will score one point per opposing skater that she passes.
• Bad girl behavior will land these chicas in the penalty box: elbowing above the waist, biting, punching, and hair pulling. Meow!
• A jammer can call an end to a jam by placing her hands on her hips.

The vibe at the Dollhouse was refreshingly un-slick. The “V.I.P.” section consisted of bleachers, slightly nicer plastic cups, an indoor bathroom, and the cut out letters V, I, and P on a bulletin board outlined with partially working white Christmas lights. With swanky Angelenos accustomed to overproduced party pads, the gritty atmosphere was not only novel, but perfect for the occasion. In the center of the banked track dangled a ginormous roller skate disco ball. If The Dolls ever close up shop, I will be at the yard sale with cash in hand for that badboy.

The Kaiser Chiefs' “I Predict A Riot” blared on the sound system and the hip, predominantly rockabilly crowd packed into the stands surrounding the track. After never-ending renditions of both the Filipino AND American national anthems, the girls took to the track, and were clearly the superstars of the evening as the crowd roared their names. “RACY DC! CRYSTAL DETH! BROADZILLA! MILA MINUTE!” The refs were in character, and MC's Evil E and Blaine Capatch were the sassy “voices of reason”, breaking down the second-to-second derby action.

Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz dispelled any doubt that The Dollhouse was the place to be, as they showed up right before game time and were greeted by spray painted welcome signs (and surely a pair of those nicer V.I.P. plastic drink cups). It’s rumored that Miss Drew’s production company is lacing up their proverbial skates to embark on a film set in the rough and tumble world of women’s roller derby.

I began to fantasize about becoming a derby doll. In a moment of inspiration, I even concocted a snazzy skater name – The Holy Roller. My getup would be a nun habit and neon rosary. Being that I am an ordained minister, I could even marry derby enthusiasts in between jams. I was jarred back into consciousness by the sound of MILA MINUTE being slammed on the track (face-first) by the ever-slight RACY DC. Then I suddenly remembered that I am particularly accident-prone. Back in the day, I was even terrified by the limbo game at my local roller rink. I can, however, swing a mean pom-pom. Go Derby Dolls, go!